To Crush a Crush

A crush is like having the flu. You don't really know when or where you picked it up, how long it will last, and there's no sure fire way to make it go away.

Originally my crush on Mr. Kitty had faded away due to lack of interaction. That changed two weeks ago when I attended a friend's holiday party. I knew Mr. Kitty was going to be at the party because he made a point of letting me know via text. This wasn't the motivation for attending, most of my friends were going so it was mandatory fun time. About an hour or so in I was heading out of the party for a short break while passing Mr. Kitty on the steps. As I had my focus on getting outside, I said a quick hello and kept on my way. He then text to ask if I was coming back.

Eventually I made my way back into the party, wet from rain and my glasses a streaky mess. Mr. Kitty and I ended up chatting most of the evening, from the living room to the bedroom. When I was finally ready to leave and hit the bar with my friends I said a quick goodbye. Much to my surprise, Mr. Kitty stole a kiss. It was odd because to be honest I have really not been getting a vibe that there was any interest on his part. It was also shocking because I'm not a public affection person - scratch that, I am a no affection of any type person.

This of course kicked my brain into 'think mode.' Meaning, I get girl brain and begin asking myself what everything meant and of course the worst thing happened... my crush returned full force. Over the next two weeks Mr. Kitty would pretty much vanish until last weekend when I was intoxicated and sent a message and then yesterday when out of the blue he asked if I was going away for Christmas. Questions that seem to show interest, but I can decipher if it's that or just general boredom on his part. So of course I provided what I thought to be clever answers that did not encourage the continuation of the conversation.

This is part of my person crush detox. I hate the feeling of a crush, it's annoying and similar to the feeling of a rash. So, my process is to personally not engage, nor set up conversations like the above mentioned in a way where the other person can easily engage. Second, I talk to my friends that are in relationships and ask them to tell me all of the miserable details. Ray Ray shared that she and her boyfriend never have sex, never go out, sit in front of the television and basically do nothing but rot away. It's soothing to know.

Like I said, there's no sure fire way to get rid of a crush, but the mind games I play with myself seem to be doing the trick.

A Little to the Left

It's not often that I'm shocked by others. Now and then I do the shocking by the words the drop from my mouth. Two weeks ago, on what seemed like a regular Friday outing, the tables were turned.

While out I was told of this new bar, Hardware, on Tenth. A place you could easily walk by without noticing, but surprisingly nice inside. Our group meandered over to the bar where I found myself a chair and settled in. As we drank and chatted a guy stepped over and struck up a conversation. Though my friends say he was unattractive, I have to disagree, the nerdy look is appealing. Not a fan of the hipster flannel but that's easy enough to fix.

The conversation was good until my friends were ready to go. I generally try to not ditch my friends for a hook up, so I said my good bye, shared my number and headed out the door. After a short bar crawl I returned home, during this time continuing the conversation with bar guy via text. It may have been the beer in me, or a touch of slutism, but I invited bar guy over. Honestly, asking someone to travel from HK to the UES seems frivolous as the distance at that time of night is enough to make anyone say no.

To my surprise the guy jumped in a cab and showed up at my doorstep. I told him to make himself comfortable as I grabbed a beer from the fridge. I returned just as he was hanging up his coat. That was when it happened...how did I not notice this in the bar? Standing before me was a person missing his left arm. My face likely gave away the shock I was trying to suppress, but holy crap - he's missing an arm! I lasted about ten minutes before I asked if he was born without an arm, or if it had been torn off in some terrible accident. Sadly, Lefty, was born without an arm so there's no great story there. But he is a good sport as I was feeling pretty funny and asked him if he was left handed. If something like that doesn't make you walk out and i can get a laugh we're doing pretty well.

I'm still talking to Lefty and may hang out with him again, but I don't think I'd dare bring him out with my friends. I'm pretty cruel, but they'd eat him alive.

Friend Hunt

It takes twenty-eight days to form or break a habit. The same concept can be applied to making or removing a friend. Now that Shew and I have surpassed this point, there's an unbalanced circle of friends. The termination of our friendship was made permanent last week when we ran into each other for the first time in weeks. Shew asked if we were good, I confirmed, "No." He then asked if I was angry, again I confirmed, "No." Finally, he asked what all this meant. I confirmed, "I prefer to not interact."

Alas, I have been hunting for a new person to fill the void. The importance of finding an additional friend is two fold. First of all, most of my friends have moved to Astoria, which is fine except for the fact that it's painful to just hangout on the fly. Second, when I hang out with my friends, such as this past Friday, and they bring along a friend we end up in a third wheel situation.

Florida, is the main candidate up for a friend role. We've been chatting for a while and hanging out a bit, but last night was the test of 'how do you function in a bar'. When Business and I go out playing judgement is our sport. If we're at Therapy we look down over the stairs and laugh at the crazy people that walk up, and fall down, the staircase. Anyone who is too nice will either be offended or get high and mighty when it comes to playing judgement. Florida was a little passive in comparison to me when playing, but he was able to hold his own.

So far the thing not working in Florida's favor is he isn't a big drinker. I like to think that my Irish blood allows me to drink until that warm sensation feels you up but isn't running down your leg. It's almost like the sensation people feel when they love someone. He had one beer to my three and looked like he was getting a buzz, this could potentially lead to alcohol poisoning if he were out with myself, the Animator and Business. We can't have that.

Another point in Florida's favor is that he has a boyfriend. However, the boyfriend lives in DC and they have the open relationship thing. By mistake I found out just how open when we were back at my apartment and clothing started falling off. If this encounter had been part of a movie, it would have only been shown on the spoof reel. Talk about the clumsiest sex of your life.

Florida is originally from Venezuela so his junk is a tad larger that a normal human beings. So when he wanted to be mister top, that was definitely not happening. I wasn't that drunk, and I'm not that flexible. The terror generated just from me thinking about him attempting to get that thing near me was enough to deflate and send me running. Being that it was four in the morning, it was best to just finish him off. Like a gift from Gawd, when a guy is done he passes out - has to be by design.

This morning when I sent him home and returned from grabbing coffee I realized my apartment smelled something like a Mexican brothel. The coconut scented/flavored lubricant and the lingering disappointment couldn't escape out the window fast enough. However, this passes another hurdle because there will be no sexual tension as I've already seen everything Florida's got.

Will he end up an actual friend, who knows. I would be interested to subject Florida to Business and the Animator to get their thoughts on the matter. Until then I'll keep hunting.

Laying Down the Law

Now that the storm has passed and we're all trapped in our apartments, there's not much that can be done for entertainment. So, it seemed worth while to go on a date. Lawyer is still staying with his ex girlfriend down the street and has many questions to answer for me.

Let's skip over the crowds, difficulty in locating a bar and right to the dirt. Lawyer is a Jew. I swear to Jesus that I have become a Jew magnet. He doesn't have the regular look of a Jew - the nose, hair, or even an "oy" here and there. That was the first surprise. Then as we began talking and he mentioned he easily gets anxious, etc. I saw the red Jew flag go up, up, up. Not that there's anything wrong with being a Jew, they just have a tendency to piss me off faster than the Christians and Muslims.

We chatted and I picked at the ex scab. It was imperative that I know how it worked with her having lady bits and him liking who-dilly. Here's what I uncovered: After eleven years of dating neither of them had a clue he was gay until the last year of the relationship when he started noticing guys. If this is true then there's a case to be made for the idea that someone can be turned gay. Maybe she gave terrible head and sent him running for the nearest penis...just sayin'. He came out to his mother and sister first, they were understanding - boring. When he came out to his girlfriend she was upset and concerned that he had hidden it to not hurt her. Either she's the most understanding person on Earth, or that story has been altered to suit the needs of an audience. What I believe happened is this: Girlfriend had a meltdown, probably threatened to kill herself or something exciting like that and then he said they would remain friends. In her mind they're likely still together and she's waiting for this phase to pass. In his mind, he's doing something nice to not damage the girl more, but in reality they're both going to get crushed.

As un-exciting as this was, I let Lawyer come home with me. Alright, he's a new gay so he's a little extra cuddly. I'm not a great cuddler, so it was like my going "meh" and pushing him away as he nudged closer. The fooling around was a bit unusual. I assumed he would be a bottom because he was "straight." As of now I'm still not sure if he's a top or bottom because he kept putting one leg over me as if trying to climb on, but hanging off of the side of me in a way that forced me to hold on or let him fall off the bed - it's not a friggin' carnival ride. Being a new gay he was very excited to see another penis, like so overly excited that you want smack him with a wooden spoon and say, "that's a bad kitty, my pot pie kitty."

Lawyer never finished, but I felt I had to or it was never going to end. Once all was over and I was ushering him towards the door it was the first time I got to tell a guy to go home to his girlfriend. It was like a sick fairytale ending for me.

20 Minutes

For a while I've been chatting on the Grindr with the Lawyer. Seemingly normal guy, glasses, tall.

We chatted a few months back and I had forgotten him when he messaged me out of the blue. The hurricane threw off plans to meet up as he lives in one of the areas enjoying no power. Lawyer ended up staying near my place on the East Side and suggested we grab a fast drink before dinner. He was eating literally across the street so I had no excuse to not walk downstairs.

The interesting twist with this guy is that he's 32 and came out of the closet six months ago. Up to that point he was in an eleven year relationship with a woman, whose couch he's currently a refugee on and the person he was having dinner with across the street. So as I walked into Elio's, the ex girlfriend and her sister gave polite smiles and I contemplated running out the door. Lawyer headed me off at the entry and suggested we walk next door to Beet for a quick drink. This required me to pound his glass of wine so we could leave.

Next door was out of control as all the downtowners have invaded Uptown, as we have all of the electricity and food. You can't blame them for coming, but I swear to gawd they clog the sidewalks and walk slower than Jesus climbing down from the cross. Anyway, we were having a drink when we were finally able to sit at the bar, and I couldn't help but play 20-how-did-you-not-know-you-were-gay questions.

Not that Lawyer is a flammer, but he's clearly gay, and to think that he spent 32 years as a straight guy intrigues me. I mean, did he sleep with his girlfriend, did he enjoy it, was there a lot of booty play, did she enjoy it? Endless questions! However, as he's such a new gay he's about to go through the phase where he wants to bang every two bit hooker he meets online or in a bar, everyone does.

I'm sure there will be more to report, but in the twenty minutes we spent together before he had to head back to dinner I was left with all of these questions and I must get the answers.

Wine, Whine and Music

There's a weekend of drinks and fun to share, but first it is necessary to get the whine out of the way. Where along the way it happened is impossible to know, but it is now clear that my friends and I are outside the protective bubble of twenty-something life. At this crossroad we are either damaging others, ourselves or both. This comes to mind after talking to a friend that's having an affair. Personally, it doesn't bother me because people can make their own decisions. It does however feel like we've taken teenage traits and applied credit cards and hotel rooms to the mix. Just something that's been floating around my mind, but now for the more interesting stuff.

The Russian invited me along with a handful of others out to LI for a wine tasting tour. After a night out and three hours of sleep, dragging myself out of the bed was torture. The ironic part of this story is that the Animator had text me late Friday to remind me not to be late. Arriving right on time, it was a surprise with the Animator overslept and no-showed. My theory here is that he needed to get out of attending to use the wine cash for the cruise he's leaving on today...though that's speculation.

So, the five of us piled into a limo where we enjoyed Top Pop and vodka at 9:30 in the morning. One of the group is a Greek guy I believe, thus we will label him the Greek - clever I know. Now, I know that I'm not usually the most affectionate nor perceptive person when it comes to interacting with people, but the Greek seemed to be giving my ass a lot attention. The first pat was fine and a little flirty, but then they continued through two tastings. It wouldn't be worth mentioning, but like my friend mentioned above, the Greek had a boyfriend. Either I'm misinterpreting friendly touching, or as usual I'm producing my attraction pheromone: You have a boyfriend but would probably make a move if I gave you the go-ahead, but I don't want to be labeled a home wrecking hooker, even though it would really be you making a bad decision. The third tasting began and ended with breaking glasses, the first by mistake and the second on purpose like something from a Jewish wedding.

The two hour limo ride back to Astoria nearly killed me as I have the bladder of a twelve year old girl and happened to be pumped full of booze. Once relieved everyone abandoned the Russian and I as they all apparently have lives when it comes to Saturday night. They missed out, the most fun came out of the next few hours as we played, "you've got to hear this song." Bad 80's and 90's music pretty much do it for me, toss beer and pizza into the mix and it pretty much makes it a top ten night. With cell phone dead, head spinning and eyes drooping I passed out on the couch. Eventually the Russian awoke and offered up his bed. I'm appreciative that he didn't ask me to head home, not that he would, but guys have done stranger things.

Here I'll give you some let down as there was no funny business. It was just a night of fun and games that unexpectedly occurred without the usual pressure and stigma of a date or Grindr date. As a side note and an ending I can say that I did learn how influential Shew was in pushing people out of my life. It's amazing what you can learn about yourself from the point of view of another person.

The Queens

Last night was Foxxy Business' annual Oktobertefest, no that's not a typo. An interesting night to say the least. My personal highlight had to be Business' friend Nissi. She comes up to me at the beginning of the party, "I know you." Really when someone says that to me it can go either way. It turned out she remembered that I have a habit of running my mouth and commentating on everyone/everything. She did take pause to ask if I was going to be able to control myself when the plus sized guests arrived. I'm not cruel, I know how to just use facial expressions to judge.

The party had a little bit of everything. A variety of pumpkin flavored beers, straight guys trapped in a room of gays, and Business getting sliced up by sugar laced with shards of glass - that's some serious diet action. After a few hours the Animator began to text and just happened to be down the street at a mutual friend's party. Once they realized that Shew was not with me, an invitation was extended and I navigated the foreign land of Queens.

There are only two things worth noting about the second party. One: I had to correct the story of what really happened with Shew two times, plus a few times at the first party. Two: The Russian was there and as I was leaving says, "I'd like to see more of you." I assume that means the obvious, but then again you never really know what someone's thinking. Also, I have no idea how intoxicated anyone was since I arrived to that party pretty late in comparison.

Trying to escape back to the city I managed to get the Animator and myself lost, piling into a cab for rescuing. Once back in the city I realized I'd had much more to drink than originally intended. As we stood in the center of Industry and the room began to spin, the most appropriate song was played. Oops...I did it again! Gay - yes. Amazing - more yes. Leaving on a high note, I had one final move in me for the evening. Mr. Kitty was getting a text whether he liked it or not. Having heard from him the night before at a point too late to go out, I was a little riled that he makes it so difficult to hangout. The point being, life is easy, stop making this shit so hard. Those are the drunken words of wisdom that I left him with before crawling onto the sofa and sinking into unconsciousness. Like I said, it was an interesting night.

Social Media Will Destroy Your Life

On television they are always talking about someone who lost their job or was divorced because they started flashing their cooter or running their mouth on a social media site. I myself have had a blog used against me in court, but it seems everyone is falling victim to the destruction of TMI.

My mother last week discovered her boyfriend of seven years has started cheating. He did so because a lost love found him on Facebook. The woman made the mistake of friending my mother. Once my mother discovered what was happening she left the mistress a public message which read, "Happy Birthday you home wrecking slut." Fortunately I know my mother's password and I took this down, changed her password, preventing her from damaging herself in an upcoming court battle as they fight for the house. This leads us into my next social media mess.

Last night, I discovered Grindr can be damaging to more than just the springs of a bed. For the last week I've been in a depression funk and hiding out in my apartment. No reason why, just one of those depressions that pops up and you have to wait for it to move on. I forced myself to go out and meet Shew and Foxxy Business. Business had his friend Brian in tote and his enthusiasm was a tad too much. He's bipolar and had he been on the other end of his personality it would have been perfect for my mood. Anyway, everyone whips out Grindr and starts hunting for penis. Shew flashes me a guy and asks if I knew him. I do, it's Mr. Kitty. I've been seeing Mr. Kitty in a non-serious way for the past two months.

Initially it was funny and I sent Mr. Kitty a text saying my friend had him as a favorite. Fortunately, they'd not hooked up as that would gross me out. I don't chase leftovers. An hour alter I'm home and watching a movie only to get a text from Mr. Kitty with a copy of Shew's messages to him. "We should all hang out." "There are things you should know." WHAT?! Shew is my friend and I would assume he would remove Mr. Kitty from his favorites and no longer make contact. Instead, he tries to make it so Mr. Kitty will either hook up with him or dislike me. This is not the first time, but it has got to be the last. After two years of backstabbing and manipulation it's time for the two of us to part ways. I hate to turn my back on one of my friends, but it seems the two of us can't be friends without constantly tormenting one another.

Though this will all likely go public as being my fault, I don't care. I called it quits and if that makes me the bitch, well, at least I can proudly keep my title. What I've learned is that social media constantly screws me over, even more so than the words that fly out of my mouth. However, I'm an addict and I'll keep spewing my thoughts and posting them online.

A little Puerto Rico

The end of August meant the first official vacation of my life. Not counting trips as a kid with family and short escapes home for the holidays. It was me, friends and a week on the beach.

The last four years I have worked my butt off and not for a single second allowed anything to be priority. Breaking free of the phone and laptop was a terrifying thought, but somehow I managed to do it - for the most part. Arriving in PR, the Animator, Shew and i made our way to the hotel. Expecting to open the cab door and arrive in the third world, I was pleasantly surprised when there was a Starbucks and...actually that's all that really mattered!

Literally for seven days my biggest concern was which pool to float in and if I should take to the beach. There was some trouble the first day as getting me to walk on sand was like trying to pull the teeth of a shark. Hate that shit, but it worked out and eventually my friends made me into the Starbucks logo with some impressively sized breast. Reference my Facebook page if you haven't had the pleasure of seeing the photos.

The gay scene was just like New York. Bars were filled with guys ignoring each other, everyone on Grindr was visiting from New York or offering up some nasty foreskin, and the beer tasted like water. All of this was made better when I forced my friends into Condom World. Leave it to me to find the local sex shop and insist on visiting. The sales girl was amazing and together we tested the flesh lights (on our fingers), which led to me buying souvenir dildos for friends and a glass one for my mother. Yes, for my mother.

A sex toy grab bag was a must and then the ultimate purchase - legal roofies! Once they offered this up I spiked everyone's drinks, like a good friend should. Incredibly the only person that got lucky on the trip was the Animator. Though at one point I thought he and Shew might kill each other as they were getting a tad testy. I'm used to gay tag-alongs so my patience seems to be expanding.

Other than leaving a few souvenirs in the hotel room it was amazing and now I need to rob a bank so I can afford to run off this winter to a warm location with friendly brown people.

Retail Me

Retail Me [ree-teyl] [mee]
Irrational Pronoun
1. The irrational case of I, able to tolerate all the crap people provide.
2. A conveyer of upbeat on positive personality to mask contempt.
3. What everyone wishes I was once they've gotten to know me.

It is this splinter of my personality that is to blame for the idiots that come into my world and instantly turn into love hungry psychos. Our example is a gentleman aged twenty years that lives on 110th Street. First strike! There's no way I'm going to travel past 96th Street for anyone, it physically pains me. It's hard enough going to Midtown to meet friends, and at least cabs want to take you there.

This gentleman has found text messages to be his preferred vehicle of communication. For the first week sending roughly ten messages a day, with only a single response from me every other day. It wasn't a game on my end, I just truly didn't care to respond - why feed the flames. The messages in week two became fewer and desperate. Week three found silence that I thought had laid everything to rest. However, week four brought us back to week one. "I want to get to know you." "I want to spend time with you."

Are you kidding me? We spent one hour together, one night in a completely platonic manner. What I took from him was that he had little personality and nothing to offer. He on the other hand apparently took from me that I'm the greatest Retail Me out there. I do confess that I'm annoyingly bubbly when I'm cornered with a single person. Except last night at the bar when a guy with poor looks and worse breath leaned in to say, "Hi." To him I was a dick because he invaded my bubble.

Now I'm not sure what to do with this one. I've flat out said there's no way and he just comes back with, "I want to get to know you." It's like he is able to write and send two test messages, but doesn't have the ability to read. perhaps I should invest in some hooked on phonics and send it his way before the next message invades my phone.

You're Cabbage

Some cities are amazing as far as the crap people produced. I'm writing my next three blogs in reverse chronological order due to life events. I've been silent for many weeks because my blogs are being used against me in litigation by entitled millennials trying to make a free buck - how selfish we become.

I'm outside my comfort city tonight and I decided to give a guy a chance. We chatted on Grindr while I was at dinner...if you don't know Grindr get your Google out and do some research. After finishing dinner with friends I walked down the street to meet him at a local bar. What a freaking shit hole. I know this town is ghetto but seriously, you have two bars and this is as good as it gets?! We chatted for about five minutes before someone walked up and interrupted us. It appeared to be a friend, though Dick Guy tried to excuse it, so maybe it was an earlier hookup. He suggested we leave and obviously that meant go to my hotel.

We get here, pee, and of course I need a beer. Heading down the street we buy a few beers from a bar - who knew you could do that - ghetto! I noticed that Dick Guy paid with a Visa gift card. Ok, that's a little white trash no matter how you cut it. I mean, you can't whip out $8 actual dollars? How poor are you? Anyway, we head back to my hotel and get frisky.

Let's go through all of the parts that went wrong. First, you need a boner. It's the first rule of sex - so simple. Though Dick Guy kept mentioning allerigies, I'm pretty sure he'd had some Christmas tonight. He was limper than a raw hot dawg...grosss. So, we tried to get it up but that wasn't working. Then  he wanted to be the bottom. That's fine, but when I tell you I don't have the necessary supplies (lube and condom), it's not happening. This was the most interesting part. Dick Guy suddenly says the meter on his car is about to expire.

If you plan to lie - lie well. You told me an hour before you didn't have to move the car until 7:00 AM. That means you just want to get out of the room. Just say I want out and leave, it's as easy as the click of an email - I don't care. So as he rushes out the door giving me a piece sign I chuckle to myself. Because I can't help myself I sent this amazing ass a text asking, "what sent you running?" It's a research question I feel important to answer. However, he did not reply so this is my thought: Because this guy is an easy slut he'll screw anyone without protection and if that screw is compromised he'll stop at nothing to get it. That may mean returning to the bar or corner to find another guy. I'll say good luck to him, but herpes isn't for me. Happy Monday!

Fairy Go Round

Now and again I get a wild hair and want to try one of the normal things that other people do - dating! A simple thing like getting coffee and having a conversation, what can possibly go wrong?

I met a boy, whose name I must temporarily withhold out of fear it will ruin the story, for coffee one scorching summer afternoon. Now, if you're a gay you know this, and if you're anyone else you may not; in the gay world there isn't really dating. There are "date" apps used as a fairy-go-round so you can instantly access penis and have it at your door faster than Domino's. It works well for the most part for a quick romp, other than those people who use Photoshop on themselves or photos from the '80's.

Generally an invitation for coffee via app gets no attention but I was feeling crazy. Plus, I'm still trying to understand why my friends are constantly subjecting themselves to other people. We meet and the guy clearly hadn't taken a recent picture in thirty pounds. Now top that with the silence he radiated and you have me as a non-stop chatter box, mainly talking to myself. Here's where it should have ended as it wasn't much different than the conversations I have with myself all day long.

After twenty minutes I called it quits and He finally decides to talk. Wanting to know what I'll be doing after he gets off work. Since he's a waiter and works nights, generally that time of the evening calls for sexy business. However, there's no way I'm letting that crawl on top of me. I flat out say no and give an honest answer - I don't want to hang out. Again, the message seemed clear from my end, but apparently I was speaking a foreign language that only I know.

By the time I went to bed I had received seventeen text messages. The next day another twelve and the following day a record twenty-two messages from Texty. If someone doesn't reply to 98% of your messages do you keep sending them? The answer is no. If someone doesn't respond you are risking things by sending a second and third message. Message four verges on crazy town and everything after number ten means I need to enter the dating protection program.

I've learned my summer lesson and will be sure to keep to myself. Apps are for sexy fun and nothing more!

Cheater

The use of multiple names is something I've done for a while now. Different name, different personality... whatever best suits the situation. However, it appears that in reality I have a few parallel slash former lives that are competing for my time and attention.

A few weeks ago I attended the Preakness. The races were incredible and now I have a fascination with horse racing. This is part of my work life. But my work life exists roughly two hundred miles from my actual life. This means I have a different set of friends, location and mannerisms. It almost feels dirty spending time in this world as it's so far from my reality.

The fun of Preakness was quickly shattered as the me I've spent so much time suffocating with a plastic bag was forced to make an appearance. My uncle passed away after more than ten years of being ill. He suffered from a brain tumor which had triggered schizophrenia and giantism. So, not only was he crazy, but looked terrifying - like a cheap horror movie monster. My mother asked me to fly to Vegas and pick up the ashes with her. This I did without question. However, I have the emotional depth and capacity of a snail. I did the only thing to help my mother that I knew - took her to see male strippers and gamble. We had a great time and then made the drive to Utah.

Though I have no interest in the me that id dead, I do enjoy some of the people I've left behind. Mandee, with her new Scottish wannabe boyfriend. he showed me his dick when I asked what was under the kilt. It was pierced to my surprise, and in fact I think there may be just a touch of gay in that one. At least I've never known a sober straight man to whip his junk out for me. Then there's Stay Lo, my always fun and willing to have a drink wife. Though we rarely talk things never change and we always have a great time. Last but not least there is my first wife Ray Ray. A hot mess til the day she dies, there's no one so much like and unlike me in this world. A few days in a former reality and I was literally climbing out of my skin to get home.

Two weeks later when I actually made it home things slowly seemed to return to normal. This changed when two co-workers made an appearance. Holy crap, Asian people are friggin' crazy. I swear this kid was stealing birthday cakes, spilling drinks on girls and throwing himself around the dance floor. I refuse to interject as I believe we are all capable of taking care of ourselves. In the end no one was hurt and there were hangovers for all.

As I sit in silence and enjoy the first free minutes in weeks, I wonder which version of me will win out in the end. Some of my other lives are definitely more entertaining than the frigid twat that I am, but could any of them sit here and deal with a toilet that won't flush? I didn't think so.

Guns 'n Gays

Lately there hasn't been much to share. In the beginning I would post about the ridiculous things happening in my life. However, that all has become the normal. The inappropriate things I say are commonplace and it's more shocking to not have them said. However, in the spirit of Margarita Friday it is my duty to press on.

The Animator celebrated a birthday this past weekend, the big 3-0! Business, Shew and I arrived early with the intention of enjoying happy hour and a clear bar. Either the Animator is the most popular gay in the village or everyone was aware of the two-for-one cocktails. Being under six foot it's nearly impossible to get the bartender's attention. Not to mention the fact that they all happen to be straight, incredibly hot, but straight. That means my knockers aren't big enough to press against the bar for attention... bastards. A forty-something took it upon himself to inform the bartender I was waiting for service. This would have been viewed as an act of kindness if we lived in Nebraska. No shit I'm waiting for service, me and the two-hundred other homos jumping up and down waving their dollar bills.

The Animator and a few friends trickled in and our trio joined them. It's been so long since Mr. Animator has been a regular character in the ongoing play that is our life, you have to wonder if we can all still function together. A handful of his friends are not my cup of tea, mainly because they act as if they are dressed in robes of golden cuntiness. Much to my surprise the first friends to show with the Animator were the few that I like.

Business's ex-b was one of them. This made things more interesting because he brought along his new boyfriend. You could see the uncomfortable tension, not so much from Business, but his ex didn't seem to be exactly comfortable. The new boyfriend was perfectly nice, a little harry for my taste and definitely not as pretty as Business. When any of my ex's begin dating I like them dating someone like this. Mainly because I want to be viewed as the pretty ex. Shallow, yes.

We left the birthday around 9:30, a jukebox at another bar had my name on it. While Business and I fed dollars into the machine, picking song after song, Shew decided to start debating. First we talked politics, then gun control. There was really no reason to discuss any of this, mainly because once you get me drunk I'm even more vocal about what I think. As Shew told us there should be better gun regulation and laws I brought up my most valid of points. My Uncle took a gun and shot my aunt in the head. He had the gun legally. So it doesn't matter how strict you make the laws, people can obtain guns and shoot you in the head. And if they can't get them legally they can drive twenty minutes uptown and get it off the back of a truck. This is probably the butchest conversation the three of us have ever had.

Now that we are settling in for another work we, I'll count the days to Margarita Friday in anticipation of what drunken topic will piss me off next week.

The Power of Words

It's time to stop talking about people from the past. Apparently, there's something happening right now that makes people appear. On Thursday evening it just so happened that Paul the Pilot appeared at the bar my friends and I were visiting. Literally moments before this I had been talking about how he was a big old tease that never made a move.

Shew was the first to notice him as Paul the Pilot walked behind us. We said hello and he mentioned how whenever we run into one another he doesn't notice me. Thank you. Thank you for pointing out that I don't stand out in a crowd. To my point that the Pilot is a big tease. We are standing there watching the show when he starts rubbing my shoulders, leans in and asks, "Whose your daddy?" Are you for real?! One - no one is anybody's daddy here. Two - you could attempt to be if you actually made a move! Shocking side note: Guy on stage literally pulls off his pants and shows everyone his business.

Thirty minutes later we were leaving and I noticed the Pilot was in the back of the bar talking to the underwear-less wonder. He later claimed that he had no idea that was the guy from the stage. We all know that he found the kid, talked to him and in the back of his mind thought - this should be easy.

The next night I was exhausted from not being able to sleep and only stayed out for a few hours. We celebrated Foxxy Business' birthday in Queens at this great little restaurant, Queens Comfort. Eating fried chicken and waffles is amazing! Getting home early I was on the sofa and unwinding in preparation for bed. Who sends me a text... Delta. I had spoken about him with Foxxy Business a few hours earlier and here he comes out of nowhere.

Delta wanted to go grab a drink but there was no way I could pull myself off the sofa. He suggested he come over with drinks. I said yes, of course. Here he comes and he's obviously interested in a booty call but trying to play it off as if he was just over for a beer. Moving things along I made the first move and got the ball rolling. Ten minutes later I was falling asleep and told Delta it wasn't happening. I did offer him a chance to take care of things on his own in the bathroom. Though I was passing out it looked like he stormed out of the apartment. Being the good date that I am, I didn't call of text to make sure he as ok.

Lesson from this week - If you talk about them they will come... kind of.

Late Nights

The last few margarita Fridays have lasted until the Sun came up on Saturday. Not entirely sure how this habit has come to be, but it does give me flashbacks to when I first moved to the city. It's like I'm twenty-one with an all new cast of friends.

The night I have in mind was packed with some of my friends that are more like supporting characters than main crew. The Photog and a few of his friends met up with myself, Shew and F-Buisness at Barrage. Note: The Photog has a friend that Shew also knows and has a very special name. Escalator a few years back had an incident where he fell off an escalator and literally cracked his head open. The fact that he's walking around is amazing, but it's a little funny that someone can fall off an escalator. Photog also brought along two Jersey girls that were board out of their minds. I was totally amused by them. Give me a drink, girls and the night is set.

After a few hours I was able to convince Paul the Pilot to stop by for a drink. My phone should have special settings that filter my contacts based on my blood-alcohol level. Paul the Pilot is one of the more professional and proper people that I know. He's known me for about ten years and knows my thoughts on happiness. He also knows me from my younger more miserable days in Utah. He probed about my thoughts on happiness today and all I know is my tongue could not control the words that I was spewing. He eventually high-tailed it out of their and has been invisible since. Oy.

The night for most of my friends ended at the Ritz where it was a big stand-around-do-nothing-fest. Shew and I went back to my place and enjoyed a few more drinks. It's amazing how long I can talk non-stop after 3:00 a.m., as well as how delightfully insightful I become to myself. This Friday is special as it's F-Business' birthday so there is sure to be sexy fun to report.

Family Time

Christmas came and went and though it has taken me a minute to catch up - here's what happened. As usual I went off to Utah for my regular family and friend visit. This year was slightly different as I have grown tired of putting in the effort to see everyone that I've ever known. Instead, the select few that I still communicate with regularly were invited to a brief party on my final night in town. To spice things up I booked a hotel, invited my mom and her boyfriend and we all set off for a good time.

Things were going well right up to beer number five, or possibly six, it's a bit of a haze. My wife, Rachael, had to be up early to go to work and I insisted that she stay until the night was over because we see each other for three hours a year. To me this is the special circumstance that makes it acceptable to go into work a little tired. Three hours before the night had begun my mother and I had conversed about Rachael and her making better decisions and growing up. When I insisted Rachael stay, my mother, was vocal about me letting her leave. this I was not having. This has never happened, but we ended up screaming obscenities at one another in the middle of the bar.

Drunk and pissed I ditched the party and walked back to the hotel. Walking a mile without a coat is rather unpleasant in Utah at the end of December. Angry and not interested in continuing the fight I had the hotel put me in a new room. Cleverly I made sure it was possible to see the elevators and watched for my mother's return. To my surprise her boyfriend was ending the battle and at 1:00 a.m. drove them three hours back to their house.

Trapped alone in Salt Lake I did the only thing possible - Grindr. This cute little kid from California came over to fool around - let's say bad decision. He had the worst body odor in the world! It must be something about being from that area of the world, tanning like you're from Jersey and forgetting to take a shower. I swear, never again will I allow anyone from California near me with their penis.

After all of this there will be no more visits to Utah for the holidays. All holidays will be conducted from Starbucks in NYC as the lord intended.