Offend Me!

Shew and I have still not had a real fight, but we came damn close the other night. If it weren't for a freak chance things would have turned out very different.

It just so happens that a diner serves up more than just food. You can get a pipping hot argument before even walking through the door. Last Friday, Shew and I headed to Metro because a night out in Brooklyn was due. We were only a few blocks away from my apartment when he told me he didn't want to go to the diner after the bar. The best part of going out is the delicious diner food at the end... at least for me. It's tradition! This irritated me because the last time we went out I gave up going to the diner because Shew didn't want to.

My suggestion was that we alternate weekends between going out with each other and our friends. Shew has a more upscale group of friends that would likely have more fun at a wine tasting. My friends tend to like ghetto things such as THE DINER! This struck a chord with Shew and the rest of the walk to the train was silent. A new policy went into practice when I started dating Shew. I just let go of things that piss me off. Maybe it's a lot to expect the same in return. On the train platform Shew said he just needed a minute, but I honestly contemplated going home right then and there. I knew he wasn't going to drop it and I'm sick, sick, sick of arguing almost every time we go out. It's insane.

Things were mellowing as we sat down to drinks when Shew sent a text to me by mistake. "Ryan just royally offended me." When I flipped my phone at him the look was priceless. He didn't want to talk about it, but now I was off and running with the angry. The music was loud but my voice came across loud and clear. For the first time Shew experienced the angry person I can be. I told him to get over himself, and when he told me it offended him I was honest and said I didn't care.

Honestly, I think it's bullshit. My suggestion for alternating weekends between friends and each other wasn't an effort to be apart more. It was an effort to compromise so we could both do what we want without having to do something unwanted. At that very moment Candy Mountain walked up and said hi. Immediately the retail face and personality came out. I try my best not to show my anger in front of friends and strangers whenever possible. This slowly defused the situation up until about an hour later when I wanted to go home.

Things are fine again, but I am questioning where things are going. I don't want to be in television relationship where there's a new drama happening every week. It's too much work, and so exhausting.

Shotgun What?!

There are some messages so shocking that when you read them you nearly collapse. A text message appeared to day that said something I never could have guessed. Changing everything!

Marriage has always been on my list of things to hate. Ray Ray is the only person I was ever willing to be married to. We had decided it was the best way to go. This meant no one else would ever be able to marry either of us, we'd be together forever, and we could both continue to sleep with other men. The plan and execution have been perfect for several years now. I've dated... she's dated... and we've both had fun.

Today, Ray Ray sent a message informing me that she was engaged! The Prince of Pants got down on one knee and proposed (not with the ring in the end of his who-dilly). I have to say that he did it on Valentine's Day, making me want to vomit just a little bit. VD is the worst day to do anything. Three people I know were dumped. At least this is productive. Ray Ray getting engaged is just a slow descent into straight hell!

With this engagement happening after only a month of dating I'm skeptical that it will last. I could be wrong, but kind of hope to not be. If my wife marries this douche-zilla I'll be down to only one other friend that shares my relationship beliefs. Stay Lo and I may have to start some sort of alliance to fight back against marriage. I fear the disease is now airborne!

Compensating/Compendating

This post comes from a conversation I had a few days ago with B. Brown. We were talking about the guys you pick even when they're not what you're looking for.

Let's start with the B. Brown examples. When she shows me guys that she's dated in the past I have to ask what she was thinking! They're dogs, and she's a hot girl. She settles for them with the hope that they'll be the one. She trades looks and personality for possibility. No. Just no. This is not proper compendating.

It's okay to trade a pretty face for a nice body that you only see when the shirt is off. These guys are generally nice because people have a bad first reaction to them. It's cruel, but true. The opposite of this would be a guy that has a great face and a beer gut. This one is a little more tricky because he might have the ego that comes from people mistaking him as the 'total package'. In reality he's just another douche bag that doesn't have the body to back up the attitude that is slightly sexy.

I've generally picked the good face, bad attitude guys. There's just something about a guy that's going to treat you like crap. If you recall an earlier post titled 'The Dildo Awards' you'll see what I'm talking about. Shew does break the mold on this one because he doesn't fit into my pre-defined categories, but I'm sure I can find a way to fit him into my judgement mold in one way or another.

My wife, Ray Ray, is good at compendating. Her type is tall, pale, bone-thin, and creepy. The last guy was large, round, hairy, and liked to say, "suck my dick and lick my (hairy) balls." OY! That's disgusting... and funny. Ray Ray hates the oral, so to imagine her actually giving into a guy is something to ponder. She was willing to do something she hates for someone she isn't that interested in just to try and make a relationship. That's going above and beyond the things B. Brown and I have done.

Ray Ray may actually be the first to find what we're all searching for. She is dating the Prince of Pants. He's all the things she likes and has a giant piercing in the end of his who-ha! The only downside to this guy is that he is dependent on Ray Ray's car. That makes me wonder if he's using her just a little. Use my wife and I'll light ya on fire, bastard! With that out of the way, I am curious if they'll last. Ray Ray has sworn off sex with others, and turned down all of her fun buddies. Could she have turned the compendating curse around? Time will tell, until then I'll continue to report on the sexual antics.

Pissy Shew

It's a little hard to say, but I think that Shew and I had our first fight. It was a silent fight, but I think it was one.

We went out with the Animator, more or less our normal routine. That's worth noting. Shew and I have fallen into a routine that typically arrives when most couples have been together for a while. We've only been official for about a month, but even before I left for the holidays things had become routine. I come over, we eat, then bed and up in the morning. Day after day, it's always the same. Then when it comes to going out, we do the same places and hangout with the same people. Not that I ever mind hanging with the Animator, he's one of my favorite friends.

So, we're at the bar and everyone is having a good time. After a few more drinks the Animator suggested getting food. Of course I'm instantly on board.  This is where I get confused. Shew said that we should go ahead and he would hang back. I insisted that we could wait for him to finish the tiny little drink he had ordered, but he encouraged us to go ahead. We left him at the bar and went around the corner. On the short walk there I had time to think about what might be going on. I could feel the familiar anger rising in the pit of my stomach. Having dated my fair share of cheating guys, this felt like the same old thing.

The Animator and I were at the diner at least twenty minutes before Shew showed up. I was certain that he stayed behind to talk to someone. Earlier in the evening the Animator had been playing on his iPhone and showed us this guy that was a douche. Coincidentally the guy was Newbie. I didn't see that coming, but we had a laugh at poor Newbie's expense. As a joke I texted Newbie, but he never responded. Shew didn't seem to be pleased by this, taking my phone and texting "let's play" to Newbie, who again did not respond.

I mention this because it seems that perhaps I'm being punished for having a past. Newbie's face showed up and suddenly Shew wanted to be alone in a gay bar. What are gay bars for? Hooking up! I didn't talk to him until we were back at his apartment, mainly I was trying to keep from storming out. He assured that I was being irrational, and perhaps I was, but it doesn't make sense that he would have no agenda when asking to stay behind. He claims that he just wasn't hungry and wanted to finish his drink. Is that the truth? Maybe. Can I be sure? No.

So, once again I am left to ask questions and wonder. We'll see if Shew turns out to be just like the rest, but hopefully he'll surprise me.