Sexfrences

I’ve decided that anyone trying to climb on top of me needs to come with a list of references and a background check. There are several reasons why I feel this way, I’m sure you understand.

There is this one guy that has been trying to get his peter near my anything for the months now. He’s good looking and nice enough for me to be interested. It’s clear that it would just be a hook-up, which I suppose is okay, considering I don’t want to date him either. Then again there is that aftermath of feeling like the kind of cheap whore that leaves their number on bar bathroom walls.

What have been holding me back from a frolic in the sheets are my personal concerns with this guy’s track record. I don’t know where he’s been and whom he’s been in. We all know guys are whores, and I assume the guys that straight up ask to get laid are from a breed of super slut. I could be wrong, but from what I’ve seen in the dating pool supports my theory here.

This is what I propose: When I meet someone it should be like a job interview. They should tell me their strengths and weaknesses in and out of the bedroom. They should tell me what itchy things they’ve caught, and if there’s anything lingering around down there. Also, I want the names for the last five people they were in, ten if there’s more than two in each week. Then I can make a proper analysis.

Is this crazy behavior on my part, asking for so much? No. People lie. I’ve dated people and then been filled in about them after the break-up. Sometimes the information they withhold, even the trivial things, would be deal breakers for me. I like to know what I’m getting into, and being that I trust no one, it makes it five times harder when they don’t trust you either. Example: A former friend that is HIV+ would only tell people he was going to sleep with he had it if they specifically asked. If they were to only say: Have you been tested. He would simply reply: Yes. Many of us ask it that way and assume yes means you are clean. It’s a tricky little white lie that can change your life. That’s where I’m coming form in my argument.

So, sexfrences are a must for anyone that wants their willy near me. Maybe I’ll print up some forms and start handing them out while I dance on the bar tops and drink. Really just killing two birds with one stone there. I’ll probably give them to people on the train as well; some of them get so close we may as well be naked.