Porno Me Not

Newbie is quickly becoming Devil Junior. We’re on and off more than a hooker’s underwear. 

I was impressed how Newbie ignored my request to end things. In fact, I was almost turned on by it. I’m used to guys that are nice and do exactly what I say, or guys that are cock mongers and won’t do shit. Can there be a happy medium? Of course not! Don’t be crazy; we don’t need to dilute ourselves with that optimistic crap.

It was 10:00a.m. on Sunday morning and my alarm began to blare that familiar Britney song that it played every morning. Like every other morning I didn’t hear it. Newbie, however, did. He popped out of bed and turned the alarm off. I woke up rolling over to see a clock that read: 12:00. I nearly had a stroke. I was supposed to be walking into work and it was nearly an hour commute. I was beyond late.

When it comes to me there are a few things that you never mess with. Work is right at the top of my list when it comes to things I worry about. I’m never late, so for me to be two hours late was unacceptable. I was so furiously angry with Newbie that I just left him. I got ready in 12 minutes, got us out the door, and left his ass behind. I got on a train going in the opposite direction and did everything I could to keep from chocking him.

It took me 8 hours to realize I had probably overreacted to the situation. So, I sent Newbie a text trying to partially apologize and also let him know why I flipped. He ignored it and asked what I was doing. That put me back to square one. I told him to go away; he ignored me again and came over, but this time there was barely any sex. Make-up sex only lasts for so long. Eventually, you’re not making up, you’re just going through the motions and remaining pissed.

The problem that has been looming over us since day one is our different sexual styles. Currently I am in virgin mode. I don’t want to be bothered with sex. I’m too tired and busy to care about it. Newbie, on the other hand wants to rape me like we’re in a porno flick. I’m all for some hair pulling and biting when the mood strikes, but you shouldn’t be leaving teeth marks that last for days.

I had my fill about halfway through when he said, “Suck it, Bitch.” Oh yes. He said it. It was halfway laughable and totally piss me off-able. I had to inform him I’m not a hooker. Newbie likes to add all of my crazy up to the blonde on my head, but blonde doesn’t mean bimbo unless you live in California. In New York, blonde means I’ll smother you with a pillow if you screw with me. 

I doubt any lessons have been learned, but as we enter round three I can’t help but wonder what we’re getting ourselves into.