Bye Bye Boyfriend

I asked the question I knew the answer to. I didn’t really want to believe it was true, but now there’s no turning away from it.

Newbie is the newest in the long line of assholes that I have dated. Though as far as a liar goes he’s right up there. When we first met he discovered who The Devil was. Revealing to me that he knew him; that meant they had hooked up. I’m blonde but a handicapped blind man could have figured that one out. Newbie denied the claim.

Having lectured me on being empty and not opening up, I was assuring myself that it was time to put him out the door. I have repeatedly said that I don’t want anyone right now and that I’m empty inside. Somehow, these guys think I’m joking or kidding. They think they’ll change me, or that they might be the one. Newbie even confessed the L word and was upset I mocked him here.  

So, now I will reveal my revenge tactic. Newbie mentioned that we weren’t exclusive so I wasn’t allowed to be upset over what he was out doing. That rule applies to me as well. No one knows about London. We met last year while I was dating Wall Street, then he up and moved to London. Back in town for a few days, I literally jumped on him. The sex was good and thank J his dick was circumcised. Sorry Newbie, I can’t stand an uncut penis. It’s disgusting. I’ve walked out on a guy before for having foreskin. Not to mention the fact that one of the two times I actually put out I ended up with lint and a string in my mouth.

Now, I went to the source to confirm my curiosity. I asked The Devil himself if they had hooked up. He confirmed it with a landmark Newbie had once mentioned. I may be forgetful but I remember all of the things I can hold against you. Why trust The Devil? He’s not dating me, what reason would he have to lie? I then told Newbie I didn’t want to see or hear from him anymore because I think that he’s a lying douche bag. He informed me he would show up at my work and make a scene. Be my guest, my life is a scene, we may as well make it interesting.

Did I mention The Devil said Newbie was a whore? That’s saying something. I also have it on good authority that Newbie is doing some unflattering things while at the gym. If nothing else, I’ve learned after the last dating disaster to do my homework. I’m not about to let myself get tangled up with another one of these guys. Luckily I was smart this time and didn’t commit without looking in ever corner.

This does add something new to the game of love. Nice guys that are really dicks in disguise. I didn’t know any of them could parade around for so long in front of me without being detected. Newbie is officially old news. I suppose this means B. Brown will have to be on the hunt for someone new before she leaves town on Sunday. 

Legally Gay

              B. Brown has finally come to town, Newbie is causing a war at home, and boobs are flying all over the place.

Thursday morning, which could be considered Wednesday night since I didn’t sleep, I showed up at JFK to fetch B. Brown. Her flight got in, but Jet Blue flies into so many terminals I was riding the train around in circles and running up and down stairs to try and find her. Having both been up all night we jumped the train back to my apartment to sleep. NOT! We dropped her luggage and headed into the city.

We’ve had tourist days and local nights. Sight seeing and bar hopping. We are on the hunt to find B. Brown the hottest guy in NYC. Sadly, even with Fleet Week going on, it seems the nasty boys are out. We did however find one gorgeous guy. Mercury Bar was our meeting point for some scandalous activities and the hot spot where we discovered The Bartender. Though it took two days, we were able to get his name, see his perfect abs, and get almost $200 in free drinks. Did I mention that B. Brown had to earn Mardis Gras beads? Oh yeah. 

We still have some future stalking to do as far as The Bartender goes, but one way or another he is coming home with B. Brown! Newbie has tagged along for a few of our adventures. He’s super fun when it comes to the tourist stuff, but as soon as we hit the bar he only has one drink and then kinda sits there pouting. I will only ask twice if something is wrong. I figure at that point if you say you’re fine, you must really be fine. I’m not interested in forcing someone to talk. However, I find his boredom at the bar strange considering he is always trying to get me to go out and 90% of the time he is the one that suggests we have a drink.

We all know my roomie hates Newbie. In fact she is overjoyed when he leaves, which annoys me a little. Yeah, Newbie can be a little buggy but he’s a nice guy. B. Brown and Newbie have gotten along for the most part, that is until he bailed on her while I had to work. That lost him some major points. Oh, did I mention that Newbie dropping the L word? 

Has it even been four months? No. It’s been less than two months since we met. How do I know? I tracked our meeting date down in my very own blog. Thank J for a living journal. Newbie claims we’ve been “dating” for four months. WRONG. That freaks my ass out. The Devil was dropping that bomb on me fast too, sadly I was dumb enough to take the douche bait. Lessons have been learned. The problem is that Newbie is a nice guy and he’s trying to get in, but there’s no door in the wall to let him through.

The other issue I have with Newbie is that I don’t trust him. It may not be his fault but I feel like he is up to something. He is always hours late when he’s supposed to come over. When I call to see what he’s doing it’s totally random, or he’s off in a different area than he said he would be. Yes, I’m the dating Nancy Drew. I want to know where your ass is all the time, even if you’re not officially mine. 

Porno Me Not

Newbie is quickly becoming Devil Junior. We’re on and off more than a hooker’s underwear. 

I was impressed how Newbie ignored my request to end things. In fact, I was almost turned on by it. I’m used to guys that are nice and do exactly what I say, or guys that are cock mongers and won’t do shit. Can there be a happy medium? Of course not! Don’t be crazy; we don’t need to dilute ourselves with that optimistic crap.

It was 10:00a.m. on Sunday morning and my alarm began to blare that familiar Britney song that it played every morning. Like every other morning I didn’t hear it. Newbie, however, did. He popped out of bed and turned the alarm off. I woke up rolling over to see a clock that read: 12:00. I nearly had a stroke. I was supposed to be walking into work and it was nearly an hour commute. I was beyond late.

When it comes to me there are a few things that you never mess with. Work is right at the top of my list when it comes to things I worry about. I’m never late, so for me to be two hours late was unacceptable. I was so furiously angry with Newbie that I just left him. I got ready in 12 minutes, got us out the door, and left his ass behind. I got on a train going in the opposite direction and did everything I could to keep from chocking him.

It took me 8 hours to realize I had probably overreacted to the situation. So, I sent Newbie a text trying to partially apologize and also let him know why I flipped. He ignored it and asked what I was doing. That put me back to square one. I told him to go away; he ignored me again and came over, but this time there was barely any sex. Make-up sex only lasts for so long. Eventually, you’re not making up, you’re just going through the motions and remaining pissed.

The problem that has been looming over us since day one is our different sexual styles. Currently I am in virgin mode. I don’t want to be bothered with sex. I’m too tired and busy to care about it. Newbie, on the other hand wants to rape me like we’re in a porno flick. I’m all for some hair pulling and biting when the mood strikes, but you shouldn’t be leaving teeth marks that last for days.

I had my fill about halfway through when he said, “Suck it, Bitch.” Oh yes. He said it. It was halfway laughable and totally piss me off-able. I had to inform him I’m not a hooker. Newbie likes to add all of my crazy up to the blonde on my head, but blonde doesn’t mean bimbo unless you live in California. In New York, blonde means I’ll smother you with a pillow if you screw with me. 

I doubt any lessons have been learned, but as we enter round three I can’t help but wonder what we’re getting ourselves into.

Pussy Bitch

Disco Biscuits (my co-worker) informed me that I’m toxic and no one should date me. He says, “You’re messed up and the last guy you dated only made it worse.” He also says, “Newbie is a fool for dating you and should never talk to you again.” I would have to say he’s probably correct.

Newbie was celebrating his birthday, so I made a point of coming home from out-of-town early enough that we could hang out. When I got home I was already in a bad mood, made worse when I saw the mess my roomie left. I asked Newbie what his plans for the night were and he said a bar in Brooklyn then into the city. I said no to the bar in BK, not because I don’t love my borough, but because it would be really hard for me to get to.

I was trying to hammer out the details and somewhere along the way Newbie thought I was trying to cancel. For once I wasn’t, I just like specifics in place. He told me not to come if I was going to be “a pussy bitch and no fun.” Now, that set me off. I responded to his text to tell him I wasn’t going. The next thing I did was dial B. Brown and ask if she would be pissed. Like a good friend, she reacted just how I wanted.

Newbie kept texting; finally I told him that he needed to find a nice guy to date because it wasn’t me. He started calling and flipping out; asking if I was drunk. I wasn’t drunk, but I was on my way. I had only had two beers, which this time was actually the truth. Not like the time I told The Devil I had only had two when we all knew I had more like nine in me. Why is it everyone thinks I’m a drunk? I’m just lowbrow fun.

Later in the evening Newbie insisted I talk to him and that he was outside my building. I crawled onto the fire escape, unable to see him. He insisted he was outside the building, then outside the White Castle, then by the train. Now, he either moves faster than God himself, or that was a bullshit story. It was only a few minutes later that he was at the gay bar in the city that was half an hour or more away. He kept texting and I kept replying. I wasn’t in the mood, but I like the drama. Emotional cutting is really the most effective form of self-mutilation, everyone’s doing it.

The following day Newbie was under the impression I “was just being a crazy blonde.” Is that an actual argument? Am I just a crazy blonde? I didn’t know we were all in need of some sort of group intervention. If that’s the case I guess send in the brunettes with their bottles of brown dye!  So, he shows up at my work and we end up at my bar, Metro, having a few birthday beers. Then we went back to my apartment and had sex. What a good solution to the problem, stick a dick in it. Oy!

Now I have a non-boyfriend situation. I’m not sure what we’re doing. I still don’t really want a boyfriend. I like being on my own, but I do like the company. If only I could neuter him, everything would be perfect. Someone get me the cigar cutter!