Break Down To Up

Over the past five years a lot has gone on. Reflecting on much of it, I’m not sure how I’ve made certain mistakes in the last year. Many of those mistakes all too recent and ongoing. 

Five short years ago I moved home to go to school and become someone. I had already published my first novel and was nearing the completion of my second. A year and a half after that I had an AA in English, two published novels and was working on my third. Only a year after that, things took a swift shift and everything started to change.

I was working on my BA in English and my third novel, slaving away in a retail store and living by all the rules that had been set for me. I suddenly found myself exhausted and miserable. It’s hard to say if I was aware of the changes I was making in the beginning, much of what happened seems to have come without my control. For the longest time I didn’t realize things were any different than they had ever been. 

Suddenly, I found myself sitting with my best friend at our favorite bar night after night. I was skipping class and going into work with a hangover almost every day. I started calling out sick when I was too tired to get up, I wasn’t paying bills, I was shopping like a Hilton and I was in general just having a “good time”.  Things came to a head at the beginning of this year. I ventured on a short trip to visit a friend in a distant city, on which I realized how much I had changed and how unhappy I had become. I can only explain what happened after I returned home as a break down. I just lost it. Everything I had been suppressing came out, all of the problems were on the table and people were pushing prescription drugs and therapy in my face like candy. 

There was a period of three days where I remember sitting in a chair.  I stared into space. I didn’t eat, sleep or move. I’m not even sure I had a single thought in my head. After that I seemed to reform from my toxic behaviors. I refocused on my writing, got rid of all the things that were making me unhappy and I moved to a new city. The issue I’m facing now is that I’m repeating some of the same behaviors. I’ve been using alcohol as a therapy tool, dating people that I know I should stay away from, hanging around people I know are bad for me and letting “fun” get in the way of my life.

I reflect on this now, much of my life in transition once again and certain people around me that always open my eyes. I have no idea where I’m going right now, which is terrifying in its own way. I’m finding myself in situations and places that I never thought I’d be. In a sense I feel like I’m in the middle of the ocean reaching for a lifesaver and every time I grasp onto one I realize it’s a rock and start sinking once again. There’s no way to see what’s coming, but I can control what direction I move in, so why have I not been?

It Wasn't Logic

    I’m not sure where to begin. I’m somewhere between numb and tears, which I hate. It’s hard to tell if it’s my inexperience, or my poor choices that have put me in the situation that I now find myself.

    After two weeks of not seeing The Devil, having sworn to stay away from him like some sort of deadly virus, I was pulled back in by a scary movie. It was 3:00 a.m. and he was home watching Freddie Krueger, my all time favorite of favorites. I knew that if I went over there would be sex, that’s a given, but I went knowing that this was probably just a play on The Devil’s part to exercise his power over me. The next three nights flowed in a similar fashion, one of which I confessed having gone on two dates the week before. The Devil admitted he was jealous, though I didn’t say it, I was happy to hear that he was feeling something. I told him that I didn’t consider us back together and that I didn’t want to be, a lie on my part.

    We never officially got back together. We did however spend the next two weeks together and things were better than they had ever been, The Devil even gave me keys to his apartment.  With Christmas fast approaching I invited The Devil to fly home with me for a week, which he agreed to do. This is where I want to stop. I want to end it right here because then things could have been perfect. Sadly, I can no longer live within the diluted fantasy that I have allowed to build up around me.

A snowy night of fun turned out to be a frigid night of break ups and letdowns. The Devil was djing and I had plans to go out with my friends, I pre-gamed with pizza and beer at his apartment because it was freezing out and I didn’t want to walk the ten extra blocks to my place when I would be going back to the train. The Devil started texting to tell me his friend was trying to get a hold of me, this surprised me considering I hadn’t received a single phone call. I was talked into hanging out at the bar The Devil was working, blowing my friends off once again. Several hours passed and The Devil’s friend was heading to the next bar. I wanted to go but I chose to wait for The Devil to be off work so we could go together.

I started pestering The Devil and his “date” as we left the bar because he was going in the wrong direction. His other friend was texting me to see why we weren’t there and why The Devil wasn’t answering his phone. I pestered him to answer the phone when he snapped. The Devil turned and yelled at me like he had never done before. He told me he hated how I acted when I drank, etc. I was so embarrassed and shocked that he had screamed at me that I just stopped talking the rest of the night. The three of us went to a diner, where I felt like I was going to be sick. The Devil once again laid into me when I refused food and only wanted water. Drunk or not, I’m smart enough to know I need water when I’m feeling that way. 

We rode the train home in separate cars, both of us angry and unwilling to take a step to resolve things. As I watched The Devil hurry home ahead of me it seemed smart to go home so we could both cool off. I was a block away when he sent a text telling me to come get my stuff. I had left a bag of cloths, my laptop and a few bathroom items at his house, after all I had been there every night for two weeks.

I was so angry that I couldn’t even look at him as I gathered my things. I left the keys he had given me on the nightstand and made the cold walk home. Long story short, The Devil says my immaturity and drinking are the reason we can’t be together. The following day I sent him a text asking if he wanted to talk about it, or if he really wanted to end it. When he replied that he would think about talking to me after I came back from my trip I realized what had happened.

This was all an elaborate plan to get him out of going home with me for Christmas. The Devil pulled the same crap he always does because he can never be inconvenienced to do something that wasn’t what he wanted to do. He had blown me off for a Christmas party a day before, he couldn’t go to diner with me a day before that, etc. If it isn’t all about The Devil, then it isn’t going to happen. Now I feel like a fool. I was so stupid to invest any of myself in him. I knew better. I knew he would do something like this. Somehow I allowed myself to get pulled back in. Though he’s bad mouthing me and saying whatever he needs to justify the break-up, I know this: I may be immature in his eyes, but I’m smart enough to learn from my mistakes. 

Miles Away

    With a phone call I was whisked away to Baltimore to do some work for a friend. It happened that I missed a major holiday, upsetting The Devil. Yeah, we stayed together even after the dramatics and meltdowns from what felt like minutes ago.

The trip was a surprise in the sense that I received a call and was tossed on a train. The Devil assured me that he wasn’t mad I was leaving, though I suspected he was lying. Once in Baltimore my friend picked me up and we grabbed some ghetto diner food. It was good, mostly because there is this incredibly cute waiter that I like to stare at. The boy has worked there for two years at least, it’s the only reason I keep going back. We arrived at my friend’s house where we ripped out the living room carpet and tile. Though I would be sore the next day, it was a great way to release some pent up aggression. The Devil called about two in the morning, muttering something I couldn’t understand and saying he would call me back. He had texted me slightly before this to tell me he actually was mad at me for leaving.

I knew it. Turns out he was planning to invite me home for Thanksgiving; this was a definite lie. The week before he had told me that he would never again introduce a guy to his parents. I don’t know if this was supposed to be some mind game, but it wasn’t a smart way to play it if that’s what was going on. The following day we were talking and The Devil mentioned that I cause him stress. It’s really not my intention to be the crazy boyfriend that makes everything hard. I’m not sure what it is about The Devil, but he just makes me jump into this ring of chaos. After he told me this I told him that he didn’t need to stress because I had downgraded us to some sort of “friend” status.

He wanted answers. I finally just said what I was thinking without holding back. I let him in my head because keeping him out was harder than I had anticipated. We are too different to be together, we’re going in different directions, and though I love him it just isn’t enough. I can’t be the guy in waiting while he’s out doing everyone else. His response was, “So I can date?” I replied simply, “You’re free.” I cut it off there. I left the conversation and went for diner, in disbelief that this was his response.  I felt like I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. I was and disappointed to think we were over. I wish I could say that I felt happy or even relieved, but I didn’t.

Over the next few days there were several comments from The Devil about our situation.

“Why can’t you just be ok with an open relationship? We’ll get back together. I miss you. I love you. I don’t think we’re done.”

Almost all sentiments that I had wanted to hear, now I’m just doing my best to ignore them. When I said goodbye to him the night I ended it, I meant it. That was the end, even if we’re still on good speaking terms. I can’t go back this time knowing that it’s going to end. How many break-ups is this now? I can’t even remember anymore. I always followed the rule: If you break up once, you’ll just keep doing it. This time I’m going to be smart about it and let the miles between us grow.

The Devil sent me a leak to a new song he had mixed. I listened to the track. It was a good song, sad though. That’s when he told me, “That’s yours.” It was similar to having a knife plunged into my chest. I just wanted to say ok let’s get back together, but I couldn’t.